Weak and hepless...

Thats how I feel sometimes. I hate hurting and I hate it even more when those close to me are hurting. But I guess everyone has to expect a little hurt sometimes in there life. I don't deal with it well, because I expect to much from myself. Like somehow I am suppose to be the one to figure out how to fix it, and make it better. But right now I can't.
Ya. there may be some hurting going around in my family, and I guess I can say that it has been for a long time now. Right now it just seems like a climax of some sort to all these years. From here it can get better or it can get worse. And I can't fix it. It drives me crazy. Whats even worse now is that I can't even be there to help fix it.
I can get so angry and so upset for feelling so helpless because I can't give them what they need for things to get better. Sometimes I get even angrier that God is the only one who can give them exactly what they need.
on and on we go. God and I wrestle with the idea of who is stronger, and although I know who the obvious winner is I want to do more than be broken and fall to the ground. ....But I realize more than ever that it is all I can do at this point. Fall to His feet and ask Him to take it. Take my weak and helpless burdon of saving my family. I know that al they need is a little more Jesus. I love you Mom, Dad, Trevoer, Ryan... you mean everything and I'm praying for you

$$$

Money makes the world go round. Ain't that the truth, and a truth I have come to know more about now that I am married and have responsibilties like paying the bills. I mean not that I haven't had small tastes of this kind of thing before it's just different when your money isn't your money but your spouses as well. I can't just do whatever I want with my own cash anymore; I have to actually think about whether or not I need what I am about to buy or not.
Now how boring is that!? Buying only what you need? Rediculuos really. But thats how it is when you first get married. It has to be for a while, at least until you get yourself settled. And thats okay, because being with Joel has taught me a lot about discipline and how to spend the big $$$. However I get these urges...
I was thinking about this the other day because I really wanted to go to the mall and just go shopping... for nothing in particular... but I would figure it out when I got there. You see you know that when you are planing on shopping but not planning on what to shop for....... chances are whatever you purchase isn't a "need". I my case it's a "just gotta have". No rhyme, no reason, no excuse. I just have to have it.
This whole trend of mine hasn't seemed to fit in the world of responsibility and marriage, and the worst part is that living out on my own with my husband has not only made spending money a new game but has made my spending urges a little more expensive!! Instead of going to the mall because I "just gotta have" that cute little outfit I saw at American Eagle last week, it's more like lets go to REI because I "just gotta have" that sweet kayak, or Mt. bike, or gortex jacket. It's wanting to travel, and get a higher education, which is always way to expensive. It's wanting a ticket home to visit family, and a membership at the closest gym.
For some reason these are all things (I'm sure I missed a few) that as an independant I feel I should have. At least in my head they are. Funny how my taste in stuff went up in price, when the only things I can pay for are the esentials.
Actually I have to say that Joel and I do a pretty good job with our budgetting, and we have been able to treat ourselfs a few times so far. But there are things in the near future that we may not be able to afford. Things like education, and moving around once the Coast Gaurd moves us again, and visiting my family for christmas. At least we wont if I keep feeding my "gotta haves"and not the needs first. So I admit it!! I'm a shopaholic and I need to understand the importance of needs over wants if I am ever going to have money make my world go round!! Otherwise I'll be stopped in my tracks because I'll be carrying a load of useless stuff...
So I have been trying to train my brain to stop wanting so much. Especially because I feel extra worse about it because I don't even make any of our money. Right now Joel is the only one with a job, and I am still waiting on a work Visa. I don't feel like I make enough contribution to have all the wants I have. Thats like my slap in the wrist. I don't want to become one of those wives that doesn't do anything but spend her husbands money.
I know that once I stop wanting so much and trust more in God's providence, then we will be able to afford enough to live our lives in His glory... and thats all I can ask for right? I hope I can believe in that more often.God is teaching Both Joel and the ways of spending "His" $$ instead of ours. And that the big point.This is a goal, and a prayer.

Mrs. Betty Crocker

So since I have been a married women I have been trying a few new things. Things I never bothered with before but knew I had to learn as a trade of being a wife and for my future as a possible mother. Mostly the things I am refering to are the wonderful mysteries of cooking!!
Yes, I have to admit that I have never been much of a cook, and never felt the need to learn in preperation for this time in my life. Quite frankly I had but it came to quick and I wasn't ready. And now here I am... trying to make the best of not knowing how to cook, but pretending like I do for the sake of impressing my husband.
The good part of this is that I'm given a break because my husband, Joel, happens to love cooking. Actually prior to our wedding we made an agreement that if he did all the cooking I would do all the cleaning with only "little" complaining. Just kidding, I don't mind it and enjoy it over cooking so it works out nicely. Some of you men that don't mind cokkin up some meat might be saying "thats the best contract ever, where do I sign". But this saddens me sometimes.
Honestly, I wish I had the skill of cooking like the mom on "Everybody loves Raymond". You know, the women who has her son still comin over to make him a great home cooked meal. And I know every guy would love to have a women who can cook for them like that. So this is where I get bumbed, because like I said I can't cook for beans!! Even though Joel likes to do it, I would love to watch him go bug eyed over something I made for him myself. It's just one of those things a wife wishes for you know. To cook a great meal for her husband.
Well, I'm going to keep trying at it until I get good, and I know I will. I'm already taking notes off Raymonds show, and soon I'm thinking of investing in some Martha Stewart media. Just incase I want to weave some bambo place matts to go with. Before you know it I'll be puttin on parties talkin with my mouthfull and sharing recipes with you.....well.....actually if anyone out there has any to share with me that would be great. Any tips for a desperate house wife trying to feed her husband something etable? haha.

p.s. Just so you know, one thing I can do is Bake. I love to bake anything that serves the craving of a sweet tooth. Cookies, brownies, cake, pie, you name it and I'm on it. To bad my husband doesn't like being fat!!

me!!

God turns me

Its in despair that I find faith
Summons the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Won't you save me from myself

And then I see you there
With your arms open wide and you try to embrace me
these lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay
And if you follow me
You'll see all the black, all the white, fade to grey

-jars of clay

I was listening to this CD the other day after finding among all of our unpacked things. I haven't listened to it since I was at Summer camp when I was about 12 or 13 yrs old.
It was the first christian music I ever owned, and this song was the first song that I heard God through.
Everyday I think of how God is changing, molding, making me and how he does it without me evern realizing it. It took me years of listening to this song, and hearing it from others, and listening to seemingly wise teachers talk about it... The love of Jesus and how it calls you, embraces you, then turns you. The way you go from feeling empty to feeling qutie filled, from alone, to surrounded, from missing to found and from damned to blessed.
I wanted to share these words of this song with you because this was the point that I feel I truly gave my life to the glory of God. How beautiful is this journey, and how amazing to know it all starts with His love.

How do you let Him turn your clay?

Life on the line

Trust. Can't that be a big word sometimes? A requirement you can't seem to overcome once in a while? I know that the whole world must struggle with it. I know I do, and maybe it makes me feel better to think that every body else does too.
I was reading a friends blog about what it feels like to be falling away from God. I have to admit that there are many times when I feel right there with him. For me it always has to do with trust.
Trusting in God is hard. Plain and simple. In fact trusting in a lot of people/ things is hard sometimes. For me trusting in God means to be blind and slow. I can't see what he has coming for me, and I have no idea how long I have to wait for it to come. I have a hard time with that because I plan ahead, and I do that so that things can be done quickly. I guess you could say patience is another one of my problems. I'm working on it, and getting better everyday. However, this trust in God thing is always a pain. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Everytime I think I am doing better, I dig deeper and realize that I am still manipulating the situation so that I have some control over what happens in my life. The big picture is that I can't seem to put my whole life one the line. I can't seem to give it all up to Him.
ps. Falling away from God is something that we ourselves decide upon. What I mean by that is that I don't believe that God gives us a latter and tells us to climb it (with every good work you move up, and every time we're bad we move down). I believe he stays as close as he can to us no matter what faithfull status quo we put ourselves at. Therefore the only person determining whether we are close to God or not is us. It's just a feeling we create.
Going back to my problem with trusting God... I am wondering why I have such a need to feel like I have control. Because when I look back on things in my life it seems as though the things I let God take over turn out much better than the things I take care of myself. And I'm thinking "well, duh" thats exactly what he does! He is always trying to prove that fully trusting him is always a better decision. He has proven himself over and over, and still I'm lacking.
It makes me feel guilty, which I guess is where I personally think I make myself believe that I am falling away from God. Guilt can do that to you. Make you feel less than you are. It pulls me down at least a few steps on my latter.
Heres the deal: I want to trust Him more. And the first decision I have to make is to stop trusting the lies I "feel" over the truth of God's reliability. I'm going to step back and try my best to put my life on the line for Christ. To gove it up without worry of getting it back. Because quite frankly I love the thought of giving that responsibility over to Him...worrying...
Trust is a big word but I want to be willing to put it all on the one who has shown and proven more love in my life than any other. This one is for you big guy, I pray that you help me along the way. It's never been easy.

In and about...

I have to make up for things unsaid yesterday. My life is one that I never would have thought it would be right now, yes... but it's one that I am completely in love with. I may be uncomfortable with change, but the turn my life has taken is one of total blessing and laughs. I have an incredible Husband, who treats me right and who I love more than anything. That right there is a priviledge. I'm eating well, living it up in comfort and style, staying healthy, enjoying the outdoor weather, experiencing new people and new places, and feeling the precense of Jesus in every step.
I was thinking of yesterday and talking about change. I realize when you think of the "uncomfortable" enough you sometimes fail to see some of the consequenses that make you you relax. More than relax, but become confident in the direction your going and in love with the journey itself. I have more than I realize to be thankfull for, and all I can do is open my eyes to the gifts I am given rather than only focus on whether or not I can handle them.
I guess thats what I am more concerned about when it comes to change. It's whether or not I can live up to what God puts before me. I have always been someone who loves the "great happenings" in life. It's the getting there that hinders me at times. (great happenings- anything that allows you to experience the things I highlighted in my profile in life) Isn't it funny? It doesn't matter how much you overcome, there is still one thing you are affraid you cannot.
I want you to know now that change will never get the best of me. I always end up appreciating it for what it brings.
You know what the coolest new thing in my life is? My Husband Joel. a shared home, life . . . love is one of the most incredible things I could have imagined it to be. And you know what else? Throughout the changes in my life he's always going to be there. And thats never going to change. Joel, I want you to know how much I love you, and that the change you bring to my life is one I couldn't live without.
p.s. to any one else I promise not to be this mushy again!!!

New life...

This is my first time here. Well my first time ever writing my own blog, however I have read quite a few. It's exciting to be doing something new with my thoughts like this, and even more so knowing that they can be read by anyone who chooses. I guess that makes me a little nervous at the same time, but I know that I don't have anything to prove to people that I don't even know, so really it's just different to me.
My blogs may seem totally lame at first, but like I said I'm new. In fact my whole life right now is new. I was recently married, moved to Seattle WA. from Ontario Canada, and am currently looking for a new school and job. ...
...and life takes a swing...
Change is fun isn't it. I mean it can be scary, exciting, confusing, unpredictable, spontaneous...but most of all I find it fun. At least that was what I told myself over and over for the first few weeks, until it eventually wore off.
To be perfectly honest I really really want to be one of those spontanious people that love and thrive for change, but quite frankly am not. The fun part for me is looking back about a year from now and saying "oh ya, that wasn't so bad. Actually I kinda liked it." It's not that I fear change or don't want it, I just feel that God seems to spring it on me right when I think I'm getting comfortable where I am. Don't you hate when he does that?
Maybe thats the point though. Who wants to live a comfortable life? That sounds pretty borring and I guess it's God's changing my life that makes me realize that. So how about saying thanks... I do and I am.
My life in these last few months of change I have to say have been pretty awesome. I cannot complain. So really I realize I had nothing to be ucomfortable about, and am learning the excitement of growth which comes along with change. With growth comes learning and with learning comes new thoughts.
I hope to share my lifes changes, growths and thoughts with you as I have taken this great change of pace in my life. And that is that I am a young married women out and living her own life for the first time with a life partner. Change. New life. My life. My thoughts...