I was humbled...

I have never been broken with humbleness the way I have been in the last few days. I'm not sure but I don't think anything can be more humbling than the realization I came to in the last 48 hours...for truthfully the first time. Well maybe only in the way that includes having it told to you, and not just knowing it and putting to the back of your head.
Joel and I have been having some really difficult conversations. You know, the ones married couples are supposed to have. The kind that you don't want to sleep on, but take over a nights rest to get through.
We have been talking about the things we sometimes need and don't get from each other, and the affects it is having. Things we may do or may not do to each other that causes hurt... Unknowingly. More specifically, or more honestly we have been talking about the things " I " do that hurt him. My wonderful husband
Now I am not sure for you, but for me it is the most huumbling, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, tear jerking thing to find out that you have been hurting the one you love so much, and were unaware of it. I had no idea that I was hurting Joel and sometimes even now I think I wish I still didn't...
You would be very correct to say that I have an issue with pride when it comes to defending how I treat others. I am always on my toes trying to please, be kind to, and not to hurt others. Being told I failed at some point sets my deffence walls up, and I forget to listen. " Chantel you are human and will make mistakes, we are all going to hurt someone." All I hear is that I did something wrong, and instead of accepting it and making some changes I tend to disagree with them. Not very Christian like of me huh? Well it has come to the point of hurting my husband, and all the suddon you have my attention. I can't ignore that mistake.

So now I sit here broken and humbled at the words I cannot deffend myself against. Plain and simple, "you hurt me." - Joel

To think of how much it probably hurt him just to tell me that... it kills me. I guess the simple truth is that the more you love someone, the more it hurts when you hurt and when you hurt them.
I love Joel, and love him to death. I love him for being honest with me, for telling me, for talking through it slowly and gently, I even love him for the hurt he went through because of my actions. I was hard to hear, but I guess it reminds me of how much he loves me too. I would have been more upset by his failure to care at all. Because he knows and reminded me that we are all bound to hurt and be hurt. It's in our nature.
Hurt comes with love, whether we like it or not. I may not take or accept it well at first, but I am trying to get better, and encourage others to struggle with the same thing. I know that the hurts will keep coming in this life - and it sucks - but as long as we are working through them, accepting your fault, and growing with a change of heart, love will continue to grow stronger. And stronger love will start to wean out the hurts.

In the last 48 hours I have realized and accepted that I can, do, and probably will again hurt others... even my husband. Our conversations confirmed it finally to me. My only advice is this:
-accept the fact that it doesn't matter how much you love and care for someone... you can still hurt them.
-accept the fact that those same people can still hurt you as well.
-When someone hurts you, tell them... don't hold on to it.
-when someone tells you that you have hurt them listen, be humbled, make a change... don't get defensive, they are telling you because they care enough to do so.
-don't let all this acceptance of hurting and being hurt bring you down, there maybe more love behind it than you think, and when there is not you can remind yourself that love is stronger anyway.
-And in all cases forgive!! forgive them, and forgive yourself.