I ramble on...

Confessions of my hidden soul. I haven't been feeling as close as I have in the past to You. I am sure it's not because of one thing but many, including this whole situation I am in. Over and over I am trying to do it myself and find my own answers. My selfishness and lack of patience keeps me from really seeing what it is You are planning for me. But again You remind me how much I need You. You remind me of my inability to live on my own. Only when I am humbled and turn things over to you, have I really been given the things I ask for.
You told me to no longer have hope in what I can do but only in what You can and will do. Not hope in myself but hope in You living in me. Less of me, more of You. Isn't that how it goes? This is the only way for anyone to see anything real good in me and my life. Righteousness.
Not from me, but from You. Not from what I think I can make happen, but what I know you can make happen. Confession and repentance will be my treatment, the Bible my manual, and You, Father, my teacher, inspiration and hope.
I was born unrighteous with pride to be broken, selfishness to beat, patience and trust to learn. I confess it is impossible to stand well before You. I confess my attempts to treat unrighteousness have failed. No matter how many things I am able to list on my resume of good morality and religious acts, I can not ignore the fact that they do not excuse me from condemnation. I mean, how convenient is it that I have left all my wrong doings from that list? But You have known all this, You know my heart.
I have no hope in myself or my self righteous esteem. I have hope in something better...
I alone may not be well to stand before You, but I will stand before You one day. I will stand with you not alone but with the beautiful Son. The Son of God, who lives in me is my righteousness!!! He makes me well.
Instead of hopelessness in myself I have forgiveness, grace and love in Jesus.


I share this with you as something I struggle with everyday. Less of me and more of Jesus. We are all self righteous and wrong to think that by morality and being religious is going to excuse us from the punishment we deserve for our sinfull lives. Those things make us no more eligible for God's presence. The plain fact is that we need Jesus. There is no reason or hope to count on ourselves to be well and good before the eyes of God. We are unclean, and the only hope we have is for Jesus' righteousness to shine through us.
We will fail without Him. It's okay to accept the fact that we fail. And that is what I am learning more about. And even though we may fail, we are still picked up, loved and saved by Jesus. Don't be ashamed and don't be proud, but be humble and full of faith. We need Jesus. We need Jesus. We need Jesus....

Biblical Roles... Husbands vs. Wives

Joel and I went to a Biblical Roles seminar at church today. It was really great, and gave us a lot to think about. It is really a big topic to talk about sometimes, because of how much culture today has changed views and oppinions. However the roles of a man vs. the roles of a women are so important to get right I think. I truly believe that part of having a completely fullfilled and happy marriage includes understanding and abiding to the roles you have as a woman or a man that are spicifically given out in the Bible. Because once you do, there is no comparing the satisfaction you recieve, which can only be the amazing fault of God (who by the way, is the one who planned it all out).
Women should not be affraid to submit to their husbands like it says in Ephesians 5:22-24. All submition means is to love, encourage and most importantly trust. If those are things a wife is lacking in her husband then you'd think there would be problems. It frusterates me when I hear someone say that a women who submits to her husband has lost the desire to live her own life on her own terms. Well I submit to my husband and take great offence to that comment! I have not given up my desire to fullfill my purpose here, because I know that God will use me to do amazing things, just like he uses my husband to lead me in our marriage and faith. And as far as my own terms? Although I do try selfishly sometimes, I don't think it's the best for anyone to be living on their own terms, but only God's alone. If it is one thing I want everyone to know it's this. The only garenttee to a life of true joy is by God's terms. Anyone who wants to can argue with me, but I stand be that. So submition is vulnerable, faithful, and incredibly beautiful. Marriage is all about these things.
But don't let me stop there. Because if women are going to have faith in there men and submit I sure hope those men are fullfilling their responsiblity of being a biblical husband. Ephesians 5:25-28. Just as women should not be affraid either should men be affraid of leading, and trusting God to help them lead. There is no better way to love your wife than by loving her by God's terms.
I challenge the men who are planning on being husbands to only do so if they plan to be the husband God has set an example of in Ephesians 5. And for women to not marry a man that they cannot submit to. Save the heartache...

I say all this because I am living the challenge myself right now. I have to say that it is wonderful and "lovely" to be able to trust in each other like we do, when we are doing this right. I can trust in Joel to love me enough to lead me and to care for me, and he can trust me to trust him and tell him when he isn't leading the way God intended. My goal is to be the most loving, God spirited wife I have in my power to be (the wife of Ephesians 5, and Proverbs 31). Knowing my role will help me to acheive that. My marraige is worth it, and so is all of yours.

Happy Fall

It's becoming Fall more and more each day here. The days are getting shorter, the rain is more consistent, and of course the trees are turning there crazy colours. They are so beautiful. All of this completely changes the feel of a city. It's really quite amazing the transfermation from hot to cool, sandals to scarfs. All the sudden the streets that were once filled with crowds, voices, and heat are now filled with a cool breeze and all these colours. It's a calming time of the year where everything just seems cozy and fresh. Although I am a sucker for the summer, it's no disapointment to trade the heat for crisp air and a fall pallet.
I missed my first thanksgiving with my family this year. I can't help but feel a little sad and homesick about that. I absolutely love thanksgiving with my family and I always look forward to it. Theres a lot of tradition I just know I missed out on. The tradition of seeing family not seen since last christmas. The tradition of feeding geese at the pond, or a good hike with the whole bunch of us. The worldwide tradition of being treated to an enormous turkey dinner, complete with sweet potatoes and grandmas awesome pumkin pie. And last be not least my family's own tradition of toping the night off with a very competitive game of "Outburst"! Doesn't get any better. I think my nana must of won this year!! I hope you all had a blast. I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to all those canadian buffs... I am very thankful for all my family and friends out there.

And although I may have missed out on traditions, and am very thankful and excited to start new ones with my husband and Seattle friends.

Waiting in and out of Faith

Well, it's the last home stretch. There is about two weeks left that I have to get my Visa. If the information they have been waiting for doesn't show up in that time then it's looking like I'm out of luck this time around. The whole process starts over, including the paying for it all. I have to say I am a bit on edge about everything, and can't stop praying things like " Please God help this work out so that we don't have to start over, because if you don't I'll probably think you really suck, and I don't know what to do with that. Amen" I'm just being honest. I would have to be perfectly honest and say I have already inquired that feeling once or twice, but only for a day or so. I'm really scared about it all, but I am surprisingly interested to see what happens if things don't work out the way I wish it to. How am I going to handle it? Will I be able to continue to sit and wait in faith? In faith that all this waiting and standing still is for a reason bigger than I can understand because it's run by God's time and not mine.
When I was married I was more than thrilled. Not just because I am loved by the man who became my best friend, or because I was able to join my life with that man I love, but also because I was ready to be living my own life. Because I would be stepping out into the world I would start creating for myself. Moving forward, growing, learning, creating, becoming... All that was so exciting. Well I have to say that it hans't been as exciting as I had hoped. Marriage yes, my own life no... I guess that is because I feel like I haven't moving forward or creating much of anything.
Maybe that is not intirely true. I mean I have been creating a wonderful relationship with my husband, and we together have done a lot to move forward.
But individuals I feel like a stand still. Like all I can do is wait for someone to hand me a card that allows me to start taking those steps I have been waiting so long for. Higher education, a job... I'm not sure why I feel like these are the only things that will make me feel like I am making something of my life. I think it is the qualities those thing bring to my life that I am acing for. For instance I crave education because I miss learning new things and applying them to my life. I miss experiencing new responsibilities in jobs and seeing what I am capable of. I miss meeting new people who always challenge me on all sorts of levels, and building friendships out of them. I miss being influenced by others and experiences in ways that inspire me. I wan to fell more independent, more responsible, more like the woman I feel that I am, but am unable to explore.
So I am hoping that my Visa comes in, and I can explore more of myself in this world I'm creating. Without limitations or Canadian restrictions. So if you could pray for that, I couldn't thank you more. But also pray that if unfortunately it is not God's time yet, that I can somehow understand and wait in faith. Because although I want this really bad, I also want my trust in him to stand strong even in disappointment. Who knows? Maybe he is trying to teach me that all those things I miss and want to move forward with are things I can achieve without a Visa. Maybe he's just teaching me patience. Maybe the steps he has planned for me are nothing at all what I have planned for myself, and he waiting for me to embrace that. Whatever it is I so badly want to make him proud and creat something beautiful with my life. I hope I can remember I said all this when and if I am shot down.