So I have been thinking for some time about what to write. Isn't it funny how we sit and think for so long about what to write in our own journals sometimes, when the only person you should be writing for is yourself. I mean I love to share my journals with each and everyone of you, but I don't want the urge to impress you with intelligent or interesting banter to take over the natural cause of just writing about whatever I can.
So I got some good advice from a good friend to write about something from my past that had an impact on my life. I love this because nothing else could be more natural for me than to share something significant I've lived through. Real life stories...the challenge to be real and to be real honest...
Here it goes:
About 9 to 10 years ago I was let in on a secret that would shock me more than anything and change the rest of my life. "Chantel, the man you have grown up knowing as your father isn't quite the real thing. In fact your biological father lives in Canada and wants to get to know you" says mom.
Your probably asking yourself, now what kind of a response can a 12 year old girl have to all this? Well golly, where do I start? I mean there is so much to sift through and deal with. Thoughts may have been something like:
- You lied to me!!
- My family as I know it has all been pretending.
- Where has the real dad been & why now is he searching for a relationship?
- Boy do I feel decieved by one and abandoned by the other.
- What do they expect me to call them from now on? ....ect.
...That single moment may have been the most confusing, disappointing, altering, and revealing in my life at the time. You see, I was confused that I had a dad who thought loving me meant to lie to me for years. Disappointed at a dad who had abandoned me for years, felt it was finally time to care. My life had altered from one family to the next and so had my home (us to Canada). What was revealed to me? I realized the only true love I had received was from my wonderful mother, who essentially raised me on her own into the woman I am today.
...I had to have a lot of emotions to scream out you think right? The reaction must have been loud and sad really. There was a lot to be said and my opportunity had come to do so when the explanation was through... did I say anything? Not a single word. Honestly I didn't say a darned thing. In fact I hadn't said a darned thing about it for 7 years from that moment. It's probably the worst thing you could do is let something like that harbor inside of you. But it seemed like the only option at the time. Good thing the story doesn't end there eh? Because I'm not finished...
...Well 7 years later came, and with help and encouragement from very close friends and an even closer God, I was able to say what I had needed to all that time.
"Dad. I forgive you and love you still."
"Mom. I thank you and have loved you always."
I almost want to leave it there, but I also want to tell you why I shared this story of my life. I believe that it is the tough stuff we endure throughout our lives that shape most of who we are. And when it's not the tough stuff, then it's the people there with you. Although I may have not had a father for many years I did have the most amazing mother who is and always will be my best friend. And although I bottled a lot up for years, the freedom of finally letting it all go taught me more about what God's means when he tells us to forgive others more than anything ever has. Forgiving has let me be able to become who God wants me to be without the hindrances of baggage or bitterness. It has allowed me to become closer to those around me and mostly my parents. I guess I shared this story to encourage those with disfunctional families or tough stuff in the past to look at everything and be real honest with yourself. Don't hide it, but deal with it and forgive. You will see how much you still have to be thankful for, because you are not alone. Hard stuff... you are who you are because you made it through.
