Waiting in and out of Faith

Well, it's the last home stretch. There is about two weeks left that I have to get my Visa. If the information they have been waiting for doesn't show up in that time then it's looking like I'm out of luck this time around. The whole process starts over, including the paying for it all. I have to say I am a bit on edge about everything, and can't stop praying things like " Please God help this work out so that we don't have to start over, because if you don't I'll probably think you really suck, and I don't know what to do with that. Amen" I'm just being honest. I would have to be perfectly honest and say I have already inquired that feeling once or twice, but only for a day or so. I'm really scared about it all, but I am surprisingly interested to see what happens if things don't work out the way I wish it to. How am I going to handle it? Will I be able to continue to sit and wait in faith? In faith that all this waiting and standing still is for a reason bigger than I can understand because it's run by God's time and not mine.
When I was married I was more than thrilled. Not just because I am loved by the man who became my best friend, or because I was able to join my life with that man I love, but also because I was ready to be living my own life. Because I would be stepping out into the world I would start creating for myself. Moving forward, growing, learning, creating, becoming... All that was so exciting. Well I have to say that it hans't been as exciting as I had hoped. Marriage yes, my own life no... I guess that is because I feel like I haven't moving forward or creating much of anything.
Maybe that is not intirely true. I mean I have been creating a wonderful relationship with my husband, and we together have done a lot to move forward.
But individuals I feel like a stand still. Like all I can do is wait for someone to hand me a card that allows me to start taking those steps I have been waiting so long for. Higher education, a job... I'm not sure why I feel like these are the only things that will make me feel like I am making something of my life. I think it is the qualities those thing bring to my life that I am acing for. For instance I crave education because I miss learning new things and applying them to my life. I miss experiencing new responsibilities in jobs and seeing what I am capable of. I miss meeting new people who always challenge me on all sorts of levels, and building friendships out of them. I miss being influenced by others and experiences in ways that inspire me. I wan to fell more independent, more responsible, more like the woman I feel that I am, but am unable to explore.
So I am hoping that my Visa comes in, and I can explore more of myself in this world I'm creating. Without limitations or Canadian restrictions. So if you could pray for that, I couldn't thank you more. But also pray that if unfortunately it is not God's time yet, that I can somehow understand and wait in faith. Because although I want this really bad, I also want my trust in him to stand strong even in disappointment. Who knows? Maybe he is trying to teach me that all those things I miss and want to move forward with are things I can achieve without a Visa. Maybe he's just teaching me patience. Maybe the steps he has planned for me are nothing at all what I have planned for myself, and he waiting for me to embrace that. Whatever it is I so badly want to make him proud and creat something beautiful with my life. I hope I can remember I said all this when and if I am shot down.