Life on the line

Trust. Can't that be a big word sometimes? A requirement you can't seem to overcome once in a while? I know that the whole world must struggle with it. I know I do, and maybe it makes me feel better to think that every body else does too.
I was reading a friends blog about what it feels like to be falling away from God. I have to admit that there are many times when I feel right there with him. For me it always has to do with trust.
Trusting in God is hard. Plain and simple. In fact trusting in a lot of people/ things is hard sometimes. For me trusting in God means to be blind and slow. I can't see what he has coming for me, and I have no idea how long I have to wait for it to come. I have a hard time with that because I plan ahead, and I do that so that things can be done quickly. I guess you could say patience is another one of my problems. I'm working on it, and getting better everyday. However, this trust in God thing is always a pain. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Everytime I think I am doing better, I dig deeper and realize that I am still manipulating the situation so that I have some control over what happens in my life. The big picture is that I can't seem to put my whole life one the line. I can't seem to give it all up to Him.
ps. Falling away from God is something that we ourselves decide upon. What I mean by that is that I don't believe that God gives us a latter and tells us to climb it (with every good work you move up, and every time we're bad we move down). I believe he stays as close as he can to us no matter what faithfull status quo we put ourselves at. Therefore the only person determining whether we are close to God or not is us. It's just a feeling we create.
Going back to my problem with trusting God... I am wondering why I have such a need to feel like I have control. Because when I look back on things in my life it seems as though the things I let God take over turn out much better than the things I take care of myself. And I'm thinking "well, duh" thats exactly what he does! He is always trying to prove that fully trusting him is always a better decision. He has proven himself over and over, and still I'm lacking.
It makes me feel guilty, which I guess is where I personally think I make myself believe that I am falling away from God. Guilt can do that to you. Make you feel less than you are. It pulls me down at least a few steps on my latter.
Heres the deal: I want to trust Him more. And the first decision I have to make is to stop trusting the lies I "feel" over the truth of God's reliability. I'm going to step back and try my best to put my life on the line for Christ. To gove it up without worry of getting it back. Because quite frankly I love the thought of giving that responsibility over to Him...worrying...
Trust is a big word but I want to be willing to put it all on the one who has shown and proven more love in my life than any other. This one is for you big guy, I pray that you help me along the way. It's never been easy.